Adams Paradise Lost

Roshan Paul

This will be my last entry in a while, as my injury probably won't permit any further writing. The time seems ripe for the fork trick that allowed me get out of the South African trip in 1998, when Brian was humiliated 5-0 by the Proteas. Serves him right for having tried to keep me out of the team. I had the last laugh, though, didn't I? Thank God I had nothing to do with that whitewash.

So far nobody suspects that I purposely dug that plastic fork into my hand. I think I can get away with it again. And this time I'll use a real fork. I can't take this any more. Nobody could captain such a team, a team that actually tries its best to lose all the time.

God, that was a tough press conference earlier. I wonder if the scribes noticed how stressed I am. They probably did, considering I threw the mike at that jerk who dared to ask me if I was having trouble inspiring the team. I also wonder if they noticed that the plain liquid in my glass wasn't water. Speaking of that, wait, I need another shot to calm my nerves.

Maan, why me? This is undoubtedly the worst time of my life. Whoever said "its lonely at the top" didn't have a clue; its much worse at the bottom. Nothing is lonelier than leading a team that has only won one international game in three months, and that too a struggle against Zimbabwe.

I want to win for a change. Just once, I want to walk up on that presentation dais and not have to say that the Australians were the better team. What's happened? Things began so well with those home victories against Zimbabwe and Pakistan. But then we left the country and things went awry. Maybe we should only play at home. That way we can fool ourselves into thinking that we are still a great team.

Or maybe we should try and get Lloyd, Richards, Holding, Garner, Croft, Haynes, Greeenidge and maybe even Sir Gary out of retirement. They can't do any worse, can they? And this might be a way to shut them up. I'm getting sick of their constant whining about how bad we are. I bet they too would've lost to this Australian team.

As for the fielding, the less said the better. The lads have been goofing in the nets and the ones who laughed when poor Sherwin dropped that catch at practice have received their just desserts. Unfortunately, it was at the cost of the team. Wavell's dropped a sitter of Gilchrist in the Brisbane game and Nixon's goof-up against Ponting in Sydney single-handedly lost us both those games. Will they ever learn? But I can't really blame them, can I? After all, we probably lost the 5th Test when I dropped Gilchrist off the first ball he faced. So now, when I tell the guys to get serious, they just tell me to practise my own catching.

It's hard to lead a team when you are playing at your worst. Some nincompoop reporter told me I have scored only 7 per cent of the team's runs on the tour. How do they get these stats? Way to kick a man when he is down. This was the same dufus who called me "a pitiful sight" after my pair in the 4th Test. I should stick this fork into him, the little twerp!

But I am definitely having trouble batting. I don't really know why. Ian Chappell says that I am getting my front pad in the way and that is why I'm having so many problems. Doesn't he know that I made my career in India only by using my pads? It's not for nothing that they call me "Padams." No, forget Ian. I am going to stick to what has been successful in the past. So what if I'm averaging 18? My bad luck is bound to run out sometime, right?

I need a break. And this is the only way to do it. If we don't qualify for the finals, that will make it twice in a year that Zimbabwe has robbed us of a place in the finals of a tri-series tournament. And all those proud heroes of yesteryear back home won't be able to stomach that again. They will crucify me. I need to save some face at least and get out of this mess.

It's probably unfair to dump this on Sherwin suddenly, with four games still to go. But he has been batting better of late (though that isn't saying much), so perhaps he can set a better example.

Maan...that blade looks sharp. Another drink might help.

Bye-bye Kangaroo-land. Jamaica, here I come…

Ouch!

Design: Devyani Chandwarkar
Illustration: Dominic Xavier