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I Want None Of The Above

You know what I'm thoroughly grateful for in the New Year? An end, even if it's only temporary, to the email campaigns to rush to some site or the other to vote for some Indian or the other as some person or the other of the century or millennium or year or decade or month or hour or day. Who knows. Who cares.

To that last rhetorical question, there is a good answer: many people. Many hundreds and thousands of people, apparently. After all, that global repository of man-of-a-random-period wisdom, Time magazine, attracted Indians like flies once again. Just as it had soon after our wondrous nuclear exercise, when Time ran a poll on whether the US should support India or China in an Asian nuclear exchange. Then, like now, we were bombarded by messages imploring us to do our patriotic duty as Indians and click to register a vote. This time, it was because Mahatma Gandhi was trailing Yitzhak Rabin (or was it Diego Maradona? Hema Malini? Sherlock Holmes?) badly in the race to be declared Man of the Century. So we had to, simply had to, visit the site and vote for Gandhi. Do it now!

And I was left with my questions again, so much so that I even wondered to myself: "Dude, what's the matter with you? Why do these questions pop up in your fevered brain every time something like this wanders over the wires? Why can't you just vote quietly?"

Good questions in themselves, but they didn't answer my other questions. So I ignored them.

The other questions were: One, OK, so maybe I'm a fan of Gandhi, maybe I even think he's the greatest man this past century, but suppose I don't want to vote? Two, suppose I don't think he is the Man of the Century? Three, must an Indian automatically think Gandhi, or some other Indian alone, is the MotC? Four, can an Indian not think that Albert Einstein, or Larry Bird, is the MotC? Five, if he did think that and voted for, say, Bird, as the MotC, would he be a traitor, or any less Indian? Six, how does it matter anyway?

Seven and more, given the sheer number of Indians on this planet, we can probably skew any such vote so that it declares an Indian the winner. Does that really make that Indian the MotC, or the greatest actor of the Millennium, or the finest Grand Panjandrum since Captain Haddock? Should it be just numbers that decide such a title, if such a title is to be given at all? Or should it be some evaluation of the person's qualities, an evaluation that will transcend the person's nationality?

And again, how does it matter? Should we give a damn at all?

I mean, I even got email from somebody asking me to go to Time's Person of the Century poll site and vote for "Buddha as a man of the millennium as it is likely to have support from China, Japan, Korea." This, because the writer seems to have observed that "organized plan exists to declare Christ." So by voting for Buddha, "we can beat them at their own game."

I am not making these quotes up. God promise with fingers pinching my neck.

What do you say to something like this? First, the bright spark appears to have confused centuries and millenniums. Then, he suggests we vote as man of the millennium someone who did not, to be technical for a moment, actually live in the millennium. A natural mistake, no doubt, because the man has also divined that people have formed an "organized plan" to vote as MotM in Time's PotC poll someone else who did not, to be technical once more, actually live in the millennium. Got all that?

On top of that, he wants to beat "them" at their own "game." Who them? What game?

So like I said, I'm grateful the new year, or new century, or new whatever, has brought an end to this balderdash. I know it will only last a short time, because there's that other fraction of the world lurking in the shadows, the guys who know when the millennium REALLY ends: on December 31, 2000. So quite soon now, I fully expect those guys will rev up their voting engines and begin another round of email campaigns about MotMs or PotCs or Potdukhes or something.

Still, for now my mailbox is free of this nonsense. And that means I can start my own campaign.

I should explain. This was prompted by the poll nonsense I've moaned about above, yes; it was also prompted by an ad for a local School of Electronic Technology I found in my morning paper. It contained what they called an "aptitude test" and this sentence: "If you can solve this aptitude test, you may do well on ours."

And this, I swear, is the aptitude test in its verbatim entirety:

1. What is 50% of 50?

a. 25 b. 33 c. 47 d. 50.

2. If India's capital is New India, then the capital of France is:

a. Buenos Aires b. London c. Paris d. Panama.

Verbatim, I did swear.

I took a shot at it, as I hope you have, too. Allow me to pat myself on the back for answering the first question after a mere 15 or 20 minutes of intricate calculations. I even got the right answer, c. Encouraged, and with my calculator close at hand, I started on the second.

If like me, you were looking for either "e. All of the above" or "f. 23" as an answer to question 2, here's the bad news. The offer in the ad is clearly not for you, as it is not for me. The offer, by the way, is "a fantastic fee reduction of up to Rs 7,000/- on any of our Computer Hardware Courses." And it is not for you if you were not able to solve this aptitude test.

I can't speak for you, but I was pretty disappointed that I could not crack the test. Disappointed enough that I decided to make my own test and take it, so there! That way I'll know I can answer every question. OK, so I won't get up to Rs 7,000 off, but I'll live with that. And this is the campaign I mentioned a few paragraphs above. I expect you, on reading it, to scour the net to find the answers. The more polling sites you zip through in your scouring, the better. Good luck, and don't forget: India expects every Indian to do her duty and send out email about this quiz.

Here it comes:

1. What day of the week was Easter Sunday, 1994?

a. Sunday b. Sunday c. Sunday d. Sunday e. September.

2. In which country is Rome, Italy, located?

a. Italy b. Rome c. Ghana d. Italy e. 23.

3. When they say "when they say", who's the "they" they are talking about? a. You b. Me c. Them d. All of the them e. Italy.

4. Who was Time magazine's Pot1400s?

a. You b. Me c. Dan Quayle d. Silly idiot, Dan Quayle didn't live in the 1400s e. Silly idiot, there was no pot in the 1400s.

5. Which letter comes after "e"? (Hint: "f")

a. a b. c c. e d. All of the above e. 23.

6. "JayaLalooTha-keraj" is:

a. Dan Quayle b. The exalted state the country would reach if its three finest political specimens came together c. The exalted state the country would reach if its three finest political specimens then fell apart d. You know, there's no difference between those three answers e. "f".

7. You get e-mail commanding you to vote for Shot Gun Murugan as the Millennium of The Person. What do you do?

a. Vote b. Forward the message to 907 more suckers, all of whom have already got the message c. Vote for yourself d. Shoot yourself e. Vote 319 times under different aliases, confident that this is your patriotic contribution to the advance of India.

8. If solving a fabulously difficult aptitude test gets you a fantastic fee reduction of Rs 7,000 on a Computer Hardware Course That Simply Has To Use Capitals, what might the original fee for that Course have been?

a. Rs 1,000,007,000 b. Rs 0 c. Rs 7000 d. It wasn't worth taking e. They pay you Rs 1,000,000,000.

9. If Buddha is the Man of the Second Millennium, you are:

a. A Tall Bihari, Vajpayee b. Shot Gun Murugan c. A nut d. Who cares, just forward the e-mail! e. Me.

10. All of the above.

a. All of the above b. None of the above c. All of the below d. Bellow e. Bellow some more.

Answers:

Whatever yours are, they must be sent to every single person on your e-mail list, insisting that they send them on to every person on their email list. Do it now, before that fee reduction offer closes! While stocks last! Before your e-mail account is terminated!

Do it now, you patriot!

Scoring:

0 to 10: You are Buddha.

10 to 14.78: You are you. My sympathies.

14.78 to 109: You are a true son of India. Sorry, we need nieces.

Dilip D'Souza