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The biggest jerk in Bollywood, according to Cyrus Broacha

Last updated on: October 22, 2009 16:28 IST

The biggest jerk in Bollywood, according to Cyrus Broacha

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Cyrus Broacha is one funny man. Much more so in real life.

So when he came to the Rediff office on Wednesday for a live chat with his fans, the dialogue was simply hilarious.

Joined by friend and director of his new film Fruit n Nut Kunal Vijaykar, the duo gave some of the wittiest -- and very raunchy -- answers.

For those who missed the entertaining chat, here's what transpired.

Cyrus Broacha says, Hi, this is Cyrus and Kunal. We are doctors of love and recreation. Fire away!

cyrusss asked, the movie 99 was great .. but you were useless in that movie .. any comments?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Absolutely correct!

Cyrusna asked, Cyrus, would you consider VJing or acting as your first profession/love??
Cyrus Broacha answers, My first profession is sleeping.

Lucky asked, hey cyrus... i really enjoy the way u talk...gimme some tips how to talk fast in english like u.....
Cyrus Broacha answers, Lucky, only the first and last words are important. The rest you can mumble. I picked up this from Marlon Brando, India's finest actor.

dsasa asked, who is the fruit n who is the nut in the movie ?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Find out on Friday, October 23 and then let us know!


Image: Cyrus Broacha and Kunal Vijaykar
Photographs: Hitesh Harisinghani
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'Lowest moment of my life -- being compared to Rakhi Sawant's mother'

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admad asked, Hi "Cyrus The Virus", any chances of you coming back with another season of Bakra?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Yea, we're hoping to. Perhaps even go to Pakistan next. Apparently we have a good market there.

venkat asked, Hey Cyrus Which school are you from in Bombay and which year did u pass out from school.
Cyrus Broacha answers, First twenty years are a blur. Sorry. (Cathedral school -- admission open)

cyrus broacha asked, cyrus when are you going to learn to speak correct hindi???
Cyrus Broacha answers, 2016 is my goal. In the meantime, I've done a refresher course called Fruit & Nut, showing October 23rd. He he he.

sammy asked, Who do you think is the biggest JERK in the Bollywood?
Cyrus Broacha answers, That would be me.

virus broacha asked, hi cyrus, this is your bro virus. when are you going to participate for Mr. India ? its sad to see such a good looking bloke wasting time..
Cyrus Broacha answers, I did participate in 1955. I lost in the swimsuit round.

Siddharth asked, Hi Cyrus & Kunal, I like you both for youur superb comic timing. Kunal, i regularly watch "Foodie" and like the show a lot. Cyrus u were gr8 in 99 and hope that you will be even better in ur forthcoming movie. I wish luck to both of u !!
Cyrus Broacha answers, Siddharth, enclosed is a cheque for 25 rupees. Thank you for supporting us. More to follow if you watch Fruit and Nut...

virus broacha asked, who according to you both comic gurus is the baap of comedy in india?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Mayawati and Mulayam Singh Yadav.

Jinu asked, Cryus, you will look awesome when u reduce ur weight? your comments??
Cyrus Broacha answers, Right now, Juni, I'm going in the opposite direction. Otherwise how the hell am I going to get rid of my wife?

philipbkk asked, i heard u have a wild card entry into Bigg Boss 3,is it true
Cyrus Broacha answers, This is the lowest moment of my life, to be compared to Rakhi Sawant's mother and Rohit Verma. I would now like to end it all. Goodbye cruel world.


Image: A scene from Fruit n Nut

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'I believe in arranged sex and love marriages'

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linet asked, Hey.... linet here (we did Jhalak together) how r u doing? r u planning a sequel to Fruit n Nut. Best wishes for ur movie
Cyrus Broacha answers, Hi Linet, miss you. We'll ask Kunal.

Kunal Vijaykar answers: I'm looking for a prequel.

admad asked, Who is crazier among the two? Kunal or Cyrus?
Kunal Vijaykar answers, Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus.

Cyrus Broacha answers: Kunal is sexier.

vishal asked, hi cyrus! is fruit and nut similar to 99? and some promos that i have been watching have been great, especially your comic timing in tandem with boman irani:-)))))
Cyrus Broacha answers, Fruit & Nut is similar to a documentary on the Venus Fly Trap, the only non-vegetarian plant on the planet. It's nothing like 99.

Digant asked, Hey Cyrus, are you also currently working in some other movies? We would love to see you again !!!
Kunal Vijaykar answers, We are making Fruit & Nut 1, 2, 3 and 4.

ashu asked, cyrus do you beleieve in love or arranged marriage?
Cyrus Broacha answers, I believe in arranged sex and love marriages.

Jinu asked, Cyrus, How u feel if Kunal is ur partner in next movie?? Any commecnts??
Cyrus Broacha answers, As long as he continues to be my love interest, I think the world will be a better place.

Dams asked, You and Abhishek would have been better for Dostana.
Cyrus Broacha answers, Abhishek said no.

Princess asked, Cyrus oh Sighrus, when will we see you and Malaika Arora back on MTV's Loveline? Your inanities and Malaika's deep slit gowns and short dresses, phew, guaranteed to make one burn the midnight oil and hurt one's elbow... Please come back, both of you!
Cyrus Broacha answers, When MTV hires VJs over the age of 55, we'll be back!

virus broacha asked, why do both of you go everywhere together? any wrong notions we should have?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Well, there's three types of sexuality: 1) Hetero 2) Homo 3) Trans We are a fourth kind: 4) A bit like how amoeba make out.

satthemat asked, who do you think is sexy, Kunal or Rakhi Sawant 
Kunal Vijaykar answers, Mine are bigger!

Cyrus Broacha answers: I feel Rakhi Sawant's mother is better than both.


Image: A scene from Fruit and Nut

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'Who says we believe in comedy'

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ronnie asked, Kunal. what aws your weight before you entered foodie & what is it now at present? 
Kunal Vijaykar answers, I actually lost about 10 kilos.

varun asked, hi cyrus how does you wife tolerate you
Cyrus Broacha answers, Separate bedrooms.

Kunal Vijaykar answers: Separate holidays.

AchaorbSuryc asked, You can observe that in the last IIT council meeting was supposed to be on Autonomy of IITs and pay issues related to IIT faculties. HRD Minister Kapil Sibal diveretd media attention by taking JEE eligibility and then again he reversed his decision on the same !!! How to handle such minister by our PM...We request to make some comic on this topic with Kunal.
Cyrus Broacha answers, The reason why he seems to dislike the IIT culture is because he was rejected by IIT Powai.

gitz asked, how you manage to loose weight after 99? any tips!!
Cyrus Broacha answers, I saw the film.

mahesh asked, Hi due i saw you & kunal at chicken centre usually is this your fav spot since ur colleage days?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Yes, but please don't tell anyway. If rich people start going there, it'll be ruined.

sanjiv asked, kunal: when i see you having delicacies in foodie i feel like hitting cyrus...tell me why.. 
Kunal Vijaykar answers, Why? What does Cyrus have to do with foodie?

satthemat asked, What if madhur bhandarkar wants to make a Fashion 2? what role do you prefer, a model or a designer
Cyrus Broacha answers, I don't want to be a model or a designer. I'd like to be the ramp, actually.

pop asked, Cyrus, I hate you... I want a funniest reply. ??
Cyrus Broacha answers, Let me guess: Are you my wife, Ayesha?

cyrusdevirus asked, I read that you are the only Indian to have ever slept in the US White House. How did it feel?
Cyrus Broacha answers, I just met Bill Clinton. I actually urinated in the same bathroom as him.

vizz_solo asked, Hi Kunal are you married???
Cyrus Broacha answers, No. Are you a girl?

chic asked, Whats the most embarassing thing you have done cyrus
Cyrus Broacha answers, I got married. Twice.

satthemat asked, The week that wasn't or the movie that wasn't(read fruit n nut)
Cyrus Broacha answers, This week, the Fruit & Nut, that was.

Hemchandra asked, what your opinion about political equation in Mumbai-mah tomorrow?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Who's going to win? Whoever watches Fruit & Nut.

agentsam asked, do you believe in scripted comedy ?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Who says we believe in comedy? Maybe some BORROWED scripted comedy.

Kunal Vijaykar answers: As longs as it gets laughs.

Sudheer asked, Who are your role models in the field of comedy/humor
Kunal Vijaykar answers, Mel Brooks, Kishore Kumar.

Cyrus Broacha answers: My aunt Olga

jjj asked, Hello cyrus How are you? can u tell me how i want to join bollywood industry and meet priyanka chopra. cyrus can u give some way to meet bollywood stars.
Cyrus Broacha answers, Go straight to Lokhandwala, take a right at the second signal, and then... oh god... then you'll have to ask the Rickshaw walla.

Stan asked, Man . .how can you be funny all the time . .!! amazing talent!
Cyrus Broacha answers, There's one time when I can't be funny. It's called orgasm.


Image: A scene from Fruit and Nut

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'I like Russel Peters but not in the biblically sense'

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rajguru asked, what would you do if you are no vjing
Cyrus Broacha answers, Go back to Ajay-ing. I'm actually an LLB.

Radhakrishna asked, Hey, Cyrus. If u r married, share ur tips on how to retain to be humor after marriage.
Cyrus Broacha answers, Only one option: stay with your mother. And if that doesn't work, stay with my mother.

lk asked, you should really do stand up comedy...like HBO specials..and do one in Bangalore
Cyrus Broacha answers, I'm free for the next two hundred days.

cbj asked, Your comedy is mediocre at best. You pale in comparison to the greats like Carlin, Hicks and Pryor. Why dont you aim higher?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Sorry. Poor genetics. Nothing can be done. Nothing like Richard Pryor.

kiran asked, Kunal and Cyrus, whats common between fruit, nut and sex??
Kunal Vijaykar answers, You need two nuts to have sex.

Cyrus Broacha answers: And if the nuts are of the same breed, then they're fruits!

virus bro asked, cyrus, virus here again...please answer me naa.... do u like russell peters?
Cyrus Broacha answers, Not in that way. Not in the biblically sense. Okay... maybe.

agentsam asked, if comedy fails , what will you next turn to ?
Cyrus Broacha answers, The circus.

Kunal Vijaykar answers: Another film. That seems to be the way it happens in Bollywood.

virus bro asked, kunal, u small little egg...u will make a movie??
Kunal Vijaykar answers, I'm the egg, you're the chicken. I came first!

shyam asked, wht u will do to improve taste of indian comedy flicks
Cyrus Broacha answers, Play them on radio.

chic asked, You both rock in comedy all the best for movie..
Cyrus Broacha answers, Thank you. Remember to check out Fruit & Nut. I hate to keep repeating myself, but don't miss Fruit & Nut. Seriously, did I mention Fruit & Nut? You know what? What the hell... Go see Blue!

Cyrus Broacha says, Alright everyone, it was fun. To the one person who supported us: Thank you. To the rest, thank you even more!

Kunal Vijaykar answers: Thank you everyone for your support. Bye guys!


Image: A scene from Fruit and Nut

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